I have found some Old Testament books to be very dull and boring. For example in Kings, you read about king after king, how he did evil in the sight of the Lord, killed this or that person, and this story repeats itself time after time. I began memorizing the kings in order for Israel and Judah and their own individual significance in history. I began memorizing the prophets during the time, and it seems to tie together much of the OT making it seem smaller.
Just how could God speak to me in a book that seems so irrelevant to today. Much of my character building over the past few months has been from having a boyfriend. When you are in a relationship you find out who you truly are, and it can seriously stretch and shape your character. There hasn't been too much stress in my life lately other than the never ending argument with the boyfriend.
As I prayed about God's will for me to be in a relationship with this man, God began to show me many inconsistencies in his character. When we met his desire was to be wealthy, so that we could travel the world unhindered and do evangelization in foreign lands. I was thinking, Awesome, This is my heart! But in December he sent me home with a DVD in the MTV cribs style format. This couple in the video talked about their million dollar home, all of their cars, toys, possessions, possessions, possessions as a result of their success in making money. It made me ill. I was thinking, Is this what they call happiness? My fulfillment has been to see how few of possessions I can have, how simple can my apartment look. I want to use my money and resources in expanding the kingdom of God, not on expanding my possessions that bring about the most excitement when they are new. As I read my bible the next day in 1Kings 10, it talked about how far Solomon had strayed from God's ideal, and got caught up in acquiring huge numbers of horses, having many wives, getting involved in foreign trade, and accumulating silver and gold. To me it was a flag as to whether I should be in a relationship with a person that wanted wealth to further his kingdom or was it to further God's kingdom.
Going through this character testing relationship there was a lot of anxiety and depression brought about. So incapacitating for me at times that I wanted to die and wake up when it was all over with. I always feel guilty for experiencing depression as a Christian. Satan was working his magic while I was down. All the times I have prayed Lord just take my life from me, I'm stuck in a place I can't get out of! Now I know that the godliest of the godly in the bible experienced these same emotions. Elijah prayed in 1 Kings 19:4, "I've had enough Lord! Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors!"
