The past 5 weeks has been a time of great peace and freedom for me. Losing a job suddenly without any warning has been more than stressful for most in this economy. For me it was a day of singing endless praises. The timing of it couldn't be better. I knew it was part of God's bigger plan!
I have wanted to leave this whole job and that stressful experience behind, but I know God put me in that position to see justice done. Losing my job unjustly, inwhich my coworkers and former coworkers have defended me. The absolute pettiness of it all seems so unreal. I can't help but reflect on Psalms 35 over and over again, and my prayer that God will entangle the one who set out the net for me.
Today has been a much dreaded day for me having to come face to face with my enemy again. I could have ran and left this job behind. Usually I let go of upsetting events after they happen. I hate the face of confrontation. It makes me nervous. This however has been the first time in my life that I have stood up against the enemy and went head on. To pursue what is right and know that nothing worse could come out of it is liberating. Everything lately is stressors I am usually passive about. I usually put off opening up mail that I think might have stressful content or return dreaded phone calls last minute. I stress myself out over the stress that I anticipate. However as the letters have come rolling in from the unemployment office I open them as soon as they are out of the mailbox. I missed a phone call from the Human Resources department to schedule a hearing, and I called back as soon as I finished my meal. As soon as my email came through on my grievance process I read it right away. I've been proactive about everything. I feel as if I am gaining strength in my own life towards the things that I think may hurt me.
I was scared throughout the week as Tuesday morning approached, but not concentrating on it to not stress myself out. I thought on Monday night the stress would have caught up with me and get depressed. I didn't. I thought when I woke up this morning my heart would start palpating. It didn't. As I commuted to the HR hearing I listened to Pure by Gateway Worship as message after message on my phone came through from people praying for me. Tears came to my eyes and I felt an extreme sense of joy, and there was the calm before the storm.
In my mind I started to thinking that I had forgot my taperecorder at home to anonymously record the conversation, since I wasn't allowed to have representation there. I started brainstorming that I could use the recorder on my Blackberry. I thought "Yeah, that's what I'll do!" But then the Lord spoke to me, "I am your advocate!" Then 2 lines from Hosanna by Hillsong came to my mind. "Heal my heart and make me clean! Open my eyes to the things unseen!" Throughout this whole process I have gone over my disciplinary action write up over and over in my mind. The Lord continually has realized the inconsistencies in the write up. My mind has been unclear on some events that happened, because I never expected them to come up again. Last night I was reminded of the true course of events. The open up my eyes to things unseen prayer has been answered as these inconsistencies are brought to light by my family, friends, and myself. My prayer for this morning was to notice these if more came up during the hearing. As I was devising schemes in my head and mind, the Lord was telling me to speak clean from my heart. Being truthful in the past with these people has only got me into more trouble. I've learned honesty is NOT always the best policy. As I continued on my commute I was thinking, "Okay, how am I going to use this mic on my phone?" Then my mind had to be redirected AGAIN, "I am your advocate!" Satan was trying to take a hold of my mind, "Resist the devil and he will flee from you!" James 4:7
When I got to the meeting I was calm until I was forced to sit in this tiny little waiting room with my boss and assistant boss. Very ackward situation and I got very nervous. I spoke the truth. I got a little tongue twisted in the things that I was uncertain of. When questioned, there were issues my bosses were uncertain of the facts that they had documented in my write up. My fear was they would try to bring up extraneous unrelated events and make me look like the bad guy, which they did. One event was something that I had been innocent in. However write ups occur even on day you know you are having a horribly busy day. Still there is no grace. When I went to address the issue, the HR consultant said I didn't need to explain, because I wasn't there to argue that event.
My only hope is going to be that HE is everything! Everything I need (in these circumstances)! Everything I want (everything I want to happen out of these circumstances)! Everything my heart cries out for!
http://http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vwNTsyUuefs
