One of the best books I have read lately is called, The Five Languages of Apology by the same author who wrote The Five Love Languages. It put together my thoughts in a way I could never explain to anybody. I always have thought that people so casually say, "I forgive you," but their actions never seem to reflect that. I mean if you have truly forgiven shouldn't you be able to carry on with that person as if nothing ever happened. Seems like people only repair those relationships when it requires them, such as working in the office together, being in the same circle of friends, going to the same church, but what if you never have to see that person again? It's real easy to walk away isn't it? I have always thought of it this way.......I have 2 sisters. We fought like cats and dogs growing up. We'd have our fights then 5 minutes later it would be as if the fight never happened. No grudges held. It was a natural part of my life when I lived at home. I remember some things they had said or done, but they don't stick in my mind as if they should be something I should reflect, ponder, and hold onto. I could care less what they have done to me. But in today's society, people seem to have such low self-esteem that they can't get it out of their minds as if another person has the correct analysis of who you are and you believe them. They can only hurt you if you believe there was some truth to what they said and that's another story. What if it were your mom, dad, sister, brother, grandma, grandpa, aunt, or uncle? I know there are some families today that are divided, people don't speak to their parents ever again, but most of the time this isn't the case. Do we need to have blood to link us together, because technically we all come from Adam and Eve. We aren't considered related after 4th cousins, it doesn't count anymore, but I hear the furthest we go up to in the world is 42nd cousins. I still think we are all closely related. We don't go to church and call ourselves "brothers and sisters" for nothing. Why don't we act like it? Why do we make excuses as to why they can't be in our lives anymore? Is it really that big? I have no problem being mad at someone, being like "I don't like your coat now where do you want to go for lunch?" My ability to forgive so quickly has perhaps got me into a lot of trouble, but it's an expenditure of energy that I don't have. I rarely drop people from my life. They have to have done something to me that is super harmful to my wellbeing and spirit. To walk circles around people, be in a room with them where its all awkward, having anger or animosity raging inside is pathetic. I'm glad Gary Chapman has presented it in such a way that I believe Jesus would agree with me:
Please try to do the reading in my photo on Can you forgive without an apology? Enlarge the picture if you have to because it is really good.
In these times we are living divorce is on the rise especially in the United States. I can't speak for other girls, because I've never been in a romantic relationship with a girl, but I can speak what I see in the men. I see lack of leadership! Men so often end relationships without saying what has upset them. They don't come to you and say, "You really hurt me when you said....." That's leadership when a Christian man can come to a woman and express his feelings and try to figure out what the breakdown of communication was. Instead men can get very prideful, pompous, snippy snappy, arrogant, with a chip on their shoulder and not express what their issues are leaving us women to guess. When we can't figure it out it brews and brews inside of them and they quit. I think Woodrow Wilson said it best,
"The way we generally strive for rights is by getting our fighting blood up; and I venture to say that is the long way and not the short way. If you come at me with your fists doubled, I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say, “Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from one another, understand why it is that we differ from one another, just what the points at issue are,” we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points on which we differ are few and the points on which we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together."
I honestly don't believe most people seek to hurt others. I think when someone is hurt by anothers words or actions, it was either misperceived or the other person had other thoughts in mind. Perhaps it was a person's own personal opinion that has nothing to do with you. We are all entitled to have our own beliefs. The only time I think we seek to hurt others is when they have hurt us and we are firing back or if we just can't forgive them for something they did to us in the past. Everything else is bridge under the water. We need to seek communication, and find our common areas of agreeance. I recently was joking and laughing with a person, everything was okay. I wasn't mad at them, nor seeking to hurt their feelings in any way but they were gone without a trace.
That leads me to another point.......if you are going to be going around preaching Jesus, love, and no judgment then don't be a hipocrite about it. How many Christians have I seen on Facebook putting up all of their Jesus pictures, bible quotes, etc but then they end that friendship by deleting the person as a buddy. Matthew 18 says that if you have an issue with a brother (or sister) than go to them. Don't delete them on Facebook. Don't text message them. Don't have someone else tell them that you are mad at them. Don't avoid them. Go to them in a relational way face to face and if you can't do that then at the very least the phone or Skype. 7% of communication is words. You can't possibly be certain of what a person means by Facebook, Twitter, or text messaging. We aren't even allowed to the altar while there is tension with another, so solve things and solve them quickly. I have approached friends and its especially important with non believers. She called me one day and asked if I wanted to go to lunch. I didn't accuse her of anything. I said so and so told me that you said XYZ about me, is that true? She said, "No and I'm going to have to have a talk with that person!" I had got stuck in the crossfire between 2 others. I could have had an ended friendship over a rumor had I not handled it maturely and wisely.
We all have conflict in our lives it's part of growing in character. I highly highly recommend reading this book.
