Tonight I was reading a book called Imitation of Christ on the bus. After the bible it has been translated in more languages than any other book. So this woman on the phone put the person on the other end on hold and asks me about what I am reading. I told her a little bit about it then she resumed her conversation with the person on the phone. Right as I was getting off she asked me, "Do you have a question?" I was baffled, didn't know what to say, should I have a question after what I just read? I'm exhausted and deep thought and thinking isn't happening tonight. I didn't have a question then, but now I do.
Why did I meet that woman on the bus? Will I ever see her again? Why was I awoken in my sleep last night to pray for someone? Where am I going in this life? When will it happen? What does God have lined up for me? What will I be as a person at the end of this life? What work will the Lord do in me, and how different will I be in my 80s than I am today? Will I think differently, act differently? Will the Lord save my family? What does God see in me that I don't see in myself? What? When? Where? Why? How Lord? Will all of my questions someday be answered?
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Friday, January 29, 2010
The Quiet Games We Play!
Avoidance kills an inner sense of confidence and esteem. They become experts at impression management--pretending to be what they think will be acceptable by others.
You play the quiet game when you pretend something does not bother you when it really does; or when you pretend to agree with someone when you really don't; or when you act as if you don't care, but you really do. I know of couples who have played the quiet game with each other for years. They play it to avoid arguments--but they also avoid intimacy. I wonder whom you might be playing the quiet game with: a boss? a spouse? an assertive relative? a strong-willed child? an opinionated coworker? an intimidating authority figure? Fear always lies behind the quiet game.
You play the quiet game when you pretend something does not bother you when it really does; or when you pretend to agree with someone when you really don't; or when you act as if you don't care, but you really do. I know of couples who have played the quiet game with each other for years. They play it to avoid arguments--but they also avoid intimacy. I wonder whom you might be playing the quiet game with: a boss? a spouse? an assertive relative? a strong-willed child? an opinionated coworker? an intimidating authority figure? Fear always lies behind the quiet game.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Haiti
My exboyfriend's parents are from Haiti. Before our relationship ended he was set to go to the Dominican Republic and his plan was for me to come there inwhich he would propose to me. (It was supposed to be a secret from me, but he accidently sent an attached email to an email sent to me. I almost didn't see it, until I went back to read that email.) Since Haiti is on the other end of the Dominican Republic island, I said, "Oh can we go to Haiti too!" He hadn't been there since he was 6 and said it wouldn't be safe for us to go there.
Fastforward a year, and on July 12th I found out that he had moved back to Houston. I was heartbroken, but my prayer was something like:
Fastforward a year, and on July 12th I found out that he had moved back to Houston. I was heartbroken, but my prayer was something like:
"Dear Lord, I'm not going to try to contact him and if after
6 months I still feel the same way I'll make my move then.
If your plan is not him and you have someone else for me,
please put them in my path. I want YOUR Will for my life!
If not please soften his heart and make a way for us
to be together again."
6 months I still feel the same way I'll make my move then.
If your plan is not him and you have someone else for me,
please put them in my path. I want YOUR Will for my life!
If not please soften his heart and make a way for us
to be together again."
2 days after July 12th I started talking to my new boyfriend, and I thought it had been the answer to my prayer. Christmas Eve he broke up with me, shortly before the 6 month mark, January 12th. Coincidence or God that the 7.0 Magnitude earthquake would hit Haiti on that day. Reason and open door to contact the exboyfriend? I don't know.
My plan is not to knock on that open door or even enter in. It'll take God and something much greater than myself to have that door opened in another way other than me making contact. However my prayer now is to go to Haiti in a couple months after the emergency crews have left. I have 4 years of French in high school and am a nurse, and I want to be able to use the skills and abilities the Lord has given me. This is my one opportunity to go into a country inwhich I previously would have not had the opportunity due to safety issues. 14,000 American troops are there, which makes it safer civilian conditions. Currently I am awaiting the open door of a Christian organization that would allow me to go there as a missionary nurse for a period of time.
My plan is not to knock on that open door or even enter in. It'll take God and something much greater than myself to have that door opened in another way other than me making contact. However my prayer now is to go to Haiti in a couple months after the emergency crews have left. I have 4 years of French in high school and am a nurse, and I want to be able to use the skills and abilities the Lord has given me. This is my one opportunity to go into a country inwhich I previously would have not had the opportunity due to safety issues. 14,000 American troops are there, which makes it safer civilian conditions. Currently I am awaiting the open door of a Christian organization that would allow me to go there as a missionary nurse for a period of time.
Dear Lord, Let the door be opened. Use me!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Double Fisted Patience
If you come at me with your fists doubled I think I can promise you that mine will double as fast as yours; but if you come to me and say 'Let us sit down and take counsel together, and, if we differ from each other, understand why it is we differ, just what the points at issue are,' we will presently find that we are not so far apart after all, that the points we differ are few and the points we agree are many, and that if we only have the patience and the candor and the desire to get together, we will get together. ~Woodrew Wilson
True patience can be difficult to test. I never like to wait on stop lights, miss the train or the bus, etc, so when I see the "Don't Walk" light blinking I will run. If I see the train or bus coming I will run to catch it instead of waiting for the next one. I like to do things quickly and efficiently. I like my To Do Lists and organize to get more accomplished in a shorter period of time. As a nurse I multi-task as I'm with the patient. My boyfriend however liked to take his time. When I moved into my apartment I had a list of things he could do to help me get stuff done faster, but to my every 5 accomplishments on the list he was working on one. I never mentioned it, but it was frustrating to me. I'd rather get things done so I can enjoy doing the things I really like to do. He'd spend an hour and a half getting ready, doing what? I'm the one with the long hair, he's bald. I apply make-up, he doesn't. Girls get dressed, and then put on all kinds of accessories such as jewelry, panty hose, switching purses, touching up the nail polish, etc. I'd be done doing all of that, and still would be waiting on him. He'd tell me I wasn't a patient person, that I needed to learn patience.
Interesting enough, when the true test to patience came, it was HE who lacked the patience. He would get upset with everything I said. I couldn't say anything without him getting mad at me. All of the sudden we disagreed on everything, there was no compromise. He was quick to anger. I however would be over whatever I was angry about in the same day, then everything would be back to normal for me. In the end he was angry about the same things for 2 months. There was no seeing eye to eye. The greatest measure of patience was seen in me then. I wanted the relationship to end, but I couldn't do it. I lie in wait patiently praying that God could turn the situation and circumstances around. I believe in the Woodrew Wilson quote about. However in the end his lack of patience snapped and he broke up with me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Lessons to be learned from the Kings!
I have found some Old Testament books to be very dull and boring. For example in Kings, you read about king after king, how he did evil in the sight of the Lord, killed this or that person, and this story repeats itself time after time. I began memorizing the kings in order for Israel and Judah and their own individual significance in history. I began memorizing the prophets during the time, and it seems to tie together much of the OT making it seem smaller. Just how could God speak to me in a book that seems so irrelevant to today.
Much of my character building over the past few months has been from my relationship with my boyfriend. When you are in a relationship you find out who you truly are, and it can seriously stretch and shape your character. There hasn't been too much stress in my life lately other than relationship stress. As I prayed about God's will for me to be in a relationship with this man, God began to show me many inconsistencies in his character. When we met his desire was to be wealthy, so that we could travel the world unhindered and do evangelization in foreign lands. But then he sent me home with a DVD in the MTV cribs style format. This couple in the video talked about their million dollar home, all of their cars, toys, possessions, possessions, possessions as a result of their success in making money. It made me ill. I was thinking, Is this what they call happiness? My fulfillment has been to see how few of possessions I can have, how simple can my apartment look. I want to use my money and resources in expanding the kingdom of God, not on expanding my possessions that bring about the most excitement when they are new.
As I read my bible the next day in 1Kings 10, it talked about how far Solomon had strayed from God's ideal, and got caught up in acquiring huge numbers of horses, having many wives, getting involved in foreign trade, and accumulating silver and gold. To me it was a flag as to whether I should be in a relationship with a person that wanted wealth to further his kingdom or was it to further God's kingdom.Going through this character testing relationship there was a lot of anxiety and depression brought about. Sleepless nights and loss of appetite. So incapacitating for me at times that I wanted to die. I always feel guilty for experiencing depression as a Christian and my boyfriend added to that guilt by calling me manic depressant. Satan working his magic in this world. All the times I have prayed Lord just take my life from me, I'm stuck in a place I can't get out of! Now I know that the godliest of the godly in the bible experienced these same emotions. Elijah prayed in 1 Kings 19:4, "I've had enough Lord! Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors!"
Much of my character building over the past few months has been from my relationship with my boyfriend. When you are in a relationship you find out who you truly are, and it can seriously stretch and shape your character. There hasn't been too much stress in my life lately other than relationship stress. As I prayed about God's will for me to be in a relationship with this man, God began to show me many inconsistencies in his character. When we met his desire was to be wealthy, so that we could travel the world unhindered and do evangelization in foreign lands. But then he sent me home with a DVD in the MTV cribs style format. This couple in the video talked about their million dollar home, all of their cars, toys, possessions, possessions, possessions as a result of their success in making money. It made me ill. I was thinking, Is this what they call happiness? My fulfillment has been to see how few of possessions I can have, how simple can my apartment look. I want to use my money and resources in expanding the kingdom of God, not on expanding my possessions that bring about the most excitement when they are new.
As I read my bible the next day in 1Kings 10, it talked about how far Solomon had strayed from God's ideal, and got caught up in acquiring huge numbers of horses, having many wives, getting involved in foreign trade, and accumulating silver and gold. To me it was a flag as to whether I should be in a relationship with a person that wanted wealth to further his kingdom or was it to further God's kingdom.Going through this character testing relationship there was a lot of anxiety and depression brought about. Sleepless nights and loss of appetite. So incapacitating for me at times that I wanted to die. I always feel guilty for experiencing depression as a Christian and my boyfriend added to that guilt by calling me manic depressant. Satan working his magic in this world. All the times I have prayed Lord just take my life from me, I'm stuck in a place I can't get out of! Now I know that the godliest of the godly in the bible experienced these same emotions. Elijah prayed in 1 Kings 19:4, "I've had enough Lord! Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors!"
Lessons to Be Learned in First Kings
I have found some Old Testament books to be very dull and boring. For example in Kings, you read about king after king, how he did evil in the sight of the Lord, killed this or that person, and this story repeats itself time after time. I began memorizing the kings in order for Israel and Judah and their own individual significance in history. I began memorizing the prophets during the time, and it seems to tie together much of the OT making it seem smaller.
Just how could God speak to me in a book that seems so irrelevant to today. Much of my character building over the past few months has been from having a boyfriend. When you are in a relationship you find out who you truly are, and it can seriously stretch and shape your character. There hasn't been too much stress in my life lately other than the never ending argument with the boyfriend.
As I prayed about God's will for me to be in a relationship with this man, God began to show me many inconsistencies in his character. When we met his desire was to be wealthy, so that we could travel the world unhindered and do evangelization in foreign lands. I was thinking, Awesome, This is my heart! But in December he sent me home with a DVD in the MTV cribs style format. This couple in the video talked about their million dollar home, all of their cars, toys, possessions, possessions, possessions as a result of their success in making money. It made me ill. I was thinking, Is this what they call happiness? My fulfillment has been to see how few of possessions I can have, how simple can my apartment look. I want to use my money and resources in expanding the kingdom of God, not on expanding my possessions that bring about the most excitement when they are new. As I read my bible the next day in 1Kings 10, it talked about how far Solomon had strayed from God's ideal, and got caught up in acquiring huge numbers of horses, having many wives, getting involved in foreign trade, and accumulating silver and gold. To me it was a flag as to whether I should be in a relationship with a person that wanted wealth to further his kingdom or was it to further God's kingdom.
Going through this character testing relationship there was a lot of anxiety and depression brought about. So incapacitating for me at times that I wanted to die and wake up when it was all over with. I always feel guilty for experiencing depression as a Christian. Satan was working his magic while I was down. All the times I have prayed Lord just take my life from me, I'm stuck in a place I can't get out of! Now I know that the godliest of the godly in the bible experienced these same emotions. Elijah prayed in 1 Kings 19:4, "I've had enough Lord! Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors!"
Just how could God speak to me in a book that seems so irrelevant to today. Much of my character building over the past few months has been from having a boyfriend. When you are in a relationship you find out who you truly are, and it can seriously stretch and shape your character. There hasn't been too much stress in my life lately other than the never ending argument with the boyfriend.
As I prayed about God's will for me to be in a relationship with this man, God began to show me many inconsistencies in his character. When we met his desire was to be wealthy, so that we could travel the world unhindered and do evangelization in foreign lands. I was thinking, Awesome, This is my heart! But in December he sent me home with a DVD in the MTV cribs style format. This couple in the video talked about their million dollar home, all of their cars, toys, possessions, possessions, possessions as a result of their success in making money. It made me ill. I was thinking, Is this what they call happiness? My fulfillment has been to see how few of possessions I can have, how simple can my apartment look. I want to use my money and resources in expanding the kingdom of God, not on expanding my possessions that bring about the most excitement when they are new. As I read my bible the next day in 1Kings 10, it talked about how far Solomon had strayed from God's ideal, and got caught up in acquiring huge numbers of horses, having many wives, getting involved in foreign trade, and accumulating silver and gold. To me it was a flag as to whether I should be in a relationship with a person that wanted wealth to further his kingdom or was it to further God's kingdom.
Going through this character testing relationship there was a lot of anxiety and depression brought about. So incapacitating for me at times that I wanted to die and wake up when it was all over with. I always feel guilty for experiencing depression as a Christian. Satan was working his magic while I was down. All the times I have prayed Lord just take my life from me, I'm stuck in a place I can't get out of! Now I know that the godliest of the godly in the bible experienced these same emotions. Elijah prayed in 1 Kings 19:4, "I've had enough Lord! Take my life; I am no better than my ancestors!"
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